struggling

I need to get something off my chest. I've been struggling. Mightily. I am a person with convictions, with vision, with seemingly unending creativity, a passion for color and a generally confident disposition when it comes to imaginative pursuits. I also know myself pretty well. I know what I like, what I don't like. There were certainly things I could do with our general color scheme of red-orange and navy blue. Certainly.

But, yeah. Figuring out both the color scheme AND the decor for our wedding has been pretty much impossible for me. In fact, I'm entirely convinced that my subconscious has been having little panic attacks every couple of days because I'm just not sure how I want to decorate this little Us Fest. This would certainly explain my recent interest in napping. My brain is worn out.

This weekend, while Em was off fighting various work disasters, I sat on my sofa surrounded by my favorite material: felt. I used my pinking shears to cut little bits of every color in my possession, and then I laid them out on my lap desk and shifted them around as though I were assembling a puzzle. This went on for hours. HOURS. I'd hold up the little stack of felt colors and talk to myself:

Do I like this?
Yeah, it's nice?
But do I really like it?
I mean, it's ok. I don't know how I feel about that color.
Do I really need all of these colors?
Sure, why not?
Wait a minute.
What?
Does this look like a muted rainbow?
OMG you can't have a rainbow color theme, woman.
Sigh.

By the time I had settled on a stack of colors I loved, I had decided that felt was a material far too thick for the purposes I had in mind, but I made a little swatch color wheel and decided I would trek to the fabric store at some point and do some color matching. On Sunday, I talked to my mom for a good long while. She told me felt was too thick. Ok, suspicion confirmed. She said, "why not something plaid? Em loves plaid." "MOM, you're my mom! Not Em's mom!" "You need to make sure you're making Em happy, too." "I am making Em happy!" "Are you?"

Harumph.

I toddled back to the computer, defeated by my mother's subtle suggestions and overall brilliance, and decided to discard every effort I had made thus far in the weekend. I spent the next many hours perusing various fabric websites. There had to be some way I could see our colors in a way that didn't remind me of a high school football game. I typed in: orange plaid. I typed in: navy blue plaid. I typed in: gray dots. I typed in: yellow stripes. I typed in every autumnal shade plus pattern I could think of. What came together was a palette of patterns and colors I had genuinely never imagined. Some vintage, some modern, some traditional, some eclectic. Finally, I had found some sort of decipherable treasure map. Even Em loved it.

So now I have something I can work with, something that's versatile and interesting, and still representative of us. Combing through the endless collection of ideas I have will now make sense. I'm still not sure how I did it, but I did. Yesterday I sent my mom an e-mail with a bunch of links to weddings that have inspired me. She wrote back and said, "There was one bride's story that stood out above all, Anna and Matt. Love the advice about becoming an adult after your survive this event. I believe you are already experiencing much of what she described in her summary." I've spent a lot of time dealing with this color nonsense, I've spent a lot of time combing through guests lists and being diplomatic with family and friends. I've spent a lot of time challenging myself, and Em has too. The challenges we're facing, while not all about color and decor, are shaping us into newer, fresher, better versions of the adults we were meant to be. Together. Fancy that.


1 comment:

  1. Beautiful...and plaid. Forever plaid and sweet.

    ReplyDelete

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