I am not particularly used to the world right now. To be honest, I don't know how to behave. We spent the past eight years under an administration that really only permitted seething contempt; we had nothing invested in the man who fucked over this country, and the only expectation we attached to his existence was that he would fail and then leave (thank god for term limits, right?). We knew a whole bunch of stuff about a whole bunch of things that weren't happening and we were optimistic that things could, should and would change.
Now, times are so different. We invested our optimism and hope in a man, who is one in a long line of men letting us down. Health care is never about compromise, and I'm disappointed that I cheered for a man that doesn't find it in his head or heart to settle for the right compromise, if there is such a thing given the duality that exists in this nation. The people who are asking this country to meet in the middle on their health care have actually never had to compromise where their health is concerned. Growing up in an environment that featured this very privileged reality makes it very easy for me to understand where they are coming from. There is no concept of community; they were never raised with it, they never relied on it, they cannot understand its value. They're all bootstraps and meritocratic. How do you talk to them in a way that validates your own anger and resentment and simultaneously coaxes them into reality? I don't know. I wish that my fellow countrymen weren't such bigoted assholes. If there was any doubt in your mind that racism was and is still alive, I ask you to shut your mouth at this very moment and turn on any news station. Not just Fox News, but any station. Listen to what people are saying; they're about to throw pipe bombs into shop windows because they are afraid of helping their fellow man BE WELL. This is horrible stuff. Nightly, I hang my head in exasperation, in desperation and in complete and utter misery. I feel helpless!
On top of all of the horrendous decision making that swarms around this administration like flies above a road apple, I've been feeling sad on a personal level. Summer makes me feel horrible; the humidity and the heat provide no respite from a general heavy feeling around my head, my chest and my heart. I always hated my birthday as a kid when it came down to it, mostly because my friends were always on vacation when I tried to have a birthday party. Swimming is my only salvation, and I haven't done that in weeks. Life doesn't really ever change, it just looks different. The suburbs do not suit me, and often I feel profoundly alone out here. My job helps me pay my bills but it also makes me feel so angry and stupid sometimes, and I wonder how it will ever be possible to leave. I get angry at the lack of depth in many of my relationships, I feel forgotten, misunderstood, avoided. I've seen my dentist more than I've seen anyone with whom I have community, friendship or love. I miss my family, my dog is an asshole more often than not, and I cannot deal with the mornings that are so thick with humidity that I have to remember how to breathe.
I'm waiting for a change more than words can express. I'm waiting for the leaves to morphOn into colors that I love; colors that look like fire ignited on the branches and on the ground. I'm waiting for cool, clear nights where I can breathe so deeply that my lungs touch the tip of my toes. It is in fall that I feel most comfortable...in my skin, in my body, in my mind. I'm waiting for autumn.