it stands alone

Throughout the course of the very limited conversations we had about our marriage ending, my ex made it quite clear to me that our wedding was a mistake. If not a mistake, a distraction. While it makes sense that, in the end, it may have been an unnecessary use of resources, I have really wrestled with believing that it was an unnecessary use of my heart and an unnecessary reflection of the love I felt for and shared with my ex. To have it be such a fresh memory -- seven months ago -- only compounds the clashing feelings of joy and loss. I've just been trying to figure out how I truly feel about it all.

The biggest impediment to just pretending it never happened are the physical, tangible artifacts of the day itself. In my possession I have every note, every sample, every plan and multiple copies of almost every component from my wedding day. I have photos, online and on hand. I have gifts from our registries and handmade things from my family and friends to celebrate our love. I have the cards, the soundtrack to our day, my ring. And every single love note or card my ex ever gave to me, including daily notes from the month before our wedding day.

I have the blanket one of my closest friends hand-knitted for us draped across my bed. The beautiful gold frame my brother gave us for Christmas, with a photo of my family at our wedding, sits on my windowsill, repurposed. The platters I had hoped to serve delicious meals on to our families on holidays and at special celebrations are tucked away in a closet. My wedding dress is balled up and shoved into a basket with copies of my wedding program, our guestbook, and the hand-calligraphy print our stationer made especially for us. I could throw all of these things into a giant fire pit and turn the memories of them into ash, but I don't want to do that. Because they were given with love and with the intention of becoming part of memories. GOOD memories. And I deserve to keep them.

There are these memories of the process and the day to hold close to my heart, but there are also the archives of the connections I share with everyone there. Archives that continue to be filled, despite my marriage ending. To erase these images and these memories seems unnecessary. And to be honest, it seems mean.

My best friends in the whole world, by my side through everything.

My dear friend and incredible spiritual guide, Bishop David Flaherty, who wrote one of the most moving and personalized wedding ceremonies that could ever be written for two people he believed in without fail and without hesitation.

Katherine seeing me in my dress for the first time, her face reflecting the love she has held in her heart for me for 28+ years. 

Angela and I looking at each other adoringly, and then collapsing into a fit of giggles. This is not unique to the day, this is unique to US. 

My brother and I, voguing in the driveway between photos.

My family. Oh, my incredible family.

And my sisters-by-choice, who have been there for me since before we knew what friendship and sisterhood even meant. They have held me up, loved me, comforted me and saved me from myself forever.

My brother giving one of the best wedding toasts in the history of wedding toasts.

My aunt and uncle, who flew in from Switzerland, dancing.

Pang, my sweetest friend and photographer, and her boyfriend leaving me a love note in the middle of our picture files.

My extended family coming together from all corners for us. Dancing and laughing and being loud and being so supremely wonderful. For us and for me.

These photographs contain memories and connections that are timeless, and they exist not just because of my relationship, but in spite of it, too. I refuse to have contempt for anyone when looking back on the day I crafted as a reflection of my enduring love for someone who decided to not love me back. Every tear, every laugh, every moment where we were deeply moved is to be treasured.

No matter how much I seethe with hate or weep with despair, I cannot seem to convince myself that forgetting October 13th, 2012 is in my best interest. On that day we were surrounded by 60 of the most important people in the world to us, as individuals and as a couple. These were people who had demonstrated, in either word and/or deed, that they were committed to our union as much as we were, that they would be there through good times and bad, and should we ever need sanctuary or space, that they would hold our burdens and our hearts for us until we were strong enough to take them on again. In fact, these commitments were made by us to them in our vows, and they made those commitments to us in return. Everyone I brought into my marriage through familial connection or friendship has been there for me, from the moment my marriage began to the moment it ended to the place I'm in now -- this weird, new, exciting and strange transition space. They're all there. With pompoms. And love. And sometimes more hope than I'm capable of generating on my own. The vows I made to them, and that they made to me, have survived.

The past month in therapy has been really challenging and wonderful. There are days and weeks and years where I couldn't see -- literally anything. But my wedding was a perfect reflection of the genuine, and [hypothetically] neverending, love I felt for my ex. My marriage was going to be more of the same -- cautious deliberation, meticulous planning, joy, confusion, frustration, celebration, love, and chaos. My marriage ending means I lose people, of course. But the fact that I get to take such an incredible collection of people and things and memories with me after the six and a half year chapter of my relationship ends is a true gift. The book of my life is still being written, and how lucky am I to keep the best characters from chapter to chapter!

So no, my marriage didn't survive. But this day -- this beautiful, perfect, love-filled day -- it's mine. And it stands alone.

it's bonanza

In a conversation with Angela this week, I explained that navigating the world of Not Being in a Relationship after close to seven years left me often feeling like Daryl Hannah's character Madison in Splash. Not the "hot blonde flopping around in a mermaid outfit and causing televisions to explode by saying my mer-name" kind of Madison, but the "completely overwhelmed by the weird human world around her" kind of Madison. There is so much living and changing that happened around me while I was nestled in the warm (and then cold) embrace of my relationship. It's hilarious to me that I thought I knew what was going on.

In order to make it through each day without melting into a puddle of tears, I've worked hard to kind of compartmentalize my feelings as necessary and talk until I can literally talk no more. I'm not stalling the grieving process by any means - I am in therapy, I am reaching out to family and friends, I am changing my daily routine as much as possible so I'm not stuck face first in a pint of Ben & Jerry's every night. But it is completely irresponsible (and impossible) for me to stop my life. I'm grateful to have people who have opened up their ears and hearts to hear me out when I needed someone to talk to - the silence of suddenly living alone can get profoundly lonely - and grateful to have people who have not run away when a word/deed/memory has caused me to burst into tears. Sometimes in public, too!

So I am embracing this new world instead of running back to the ocean and reuniting with my mer-pals (or whatever the equivalent is in my non-movie, non-mermaid life). I'm ripping into the metaphorical lobster with my teeth! There is so much self-rediscovery that will happen in the coming weeks and months, and while terrifying in theory, I am actually kind of excited. I suppose this willingness to brush myself off and keep moving forward is a form of courage, right? As my therapist told me, I have a good script running in my head. I am resilient. 

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts that you left in the comments of my previous post. I am truly grateful for the big, warm, loving community of people who have surrounded me during this time and helped me put my feet back on the ground so I can continue marching on. The only way through is forward.

my tears dry on their own

Growing up in my upper middle class and predominantly Catholic neighborhood, I had but a vague grasp of what divorce really meant. Few of my friends were from homes where their parents were divorced, and the people I did know (my next door neighbor, for example) had been divorced for so long that the bitterness had faded to the point where it was barely detectable. I mean, at least for my kid self.

I spent most of my free time between the ages of 12 and 18 babysitting, as most girls do. The families I babysat for were all perfectly composed nuclear families from my vantage point, and nine out of ten babysitting jobs were for date nights where the parents would come home tipsy and giggling at each other and overpay me because they were so absurdly in love. These people, like my parents, seemed to grasp that marriage (for all it's goods and bads) was kind of a permanent thing. But when I was about 15 years old, my rose colored glasses were smudged...almost irreparably. I found myself the babysitting pawn in a really painful divorce game played by a husband and a wife with three small children.

In what seemed like a matter of days, their happy home fell apart and I was left to manage the confusion and emotions of three children under the age of six years old for sometimes 15-20 hours per week (which, for a high schooler, is substantial). From what I was told, the husband cheated on the wife. She was devastated. Furious, even. She kicked him out, but later I learned he left quite willingly. She, a stay-at-home mom, began to spend a significant amount of time out of the house. She started to exercise almost excessively. Her children began to panic and their behaviors started to change; they relied on me to explain what was going on to them because their parents were incapable of articulating the mess they were in to such young, tender minds. It became too much for me to handle, and I was saddened but completely relieved when the mother packed up her family and moved back to her Midwestern hometown.

Since then, my exposure to divorce has stayed pretty limited given the statistics out there about failed marriages. My parents have been married for 35 years, my aunts and uncles have mostly been married for more than that. My grandparents on both sides stayed married and all of those before them. Nobody said it was easy, and it was always made abundantly clear to me that marriage was a lot of work. Yet despite this inclination towards eternal matrimony that has existed all around me since I was born, I've always been a little skeptical about marriage. And hilariously enough, my brother is too. This is not so much about the fact that we're both queer/gay, but rather borne out of a patient and reflective kind of existence. We're romantics, but not in a way that oppresses us to think that any relationship we enter into would last forever. Romantic realists, I guess.

That said, when I decided to get married last year, it was after over two years of internal debating and hemming and hawing about whether it was right for me. My partner? Completely right for me. But marriage? I wasn't so sure. It was also after almost five years of being in a monogamous, committed relationship with my partner that the truth dawned on me, and marriage became a sudden necessity. The months of detail management, hand-assembling nearly everything, and negotiating the architecture of our ceremony were spent in such good faith that I was doing something I wholeheartedly believed in. Despite interjections from some family members, we opted out of premarital counseling, with a therapist or the bishop who married us, despite the fact that I was always willing.

And then, our wedding. What a perfect day, filled with so much unbelievable love that at times I thought my heart might explode. Everything happened according to our meticulously constructed plans. There were tears in my eyes, and in my spouse's as well. I walked away feeling like I had moved into a new stage of my life. It was terrifying and glorious and incredible. And, most importantly, I believed in every fiber of my being it was permanent.

Cut to six months later. Well, five months and three weeks. Our marriage is over, and despite my protestations, there is no room for me to argue or try to change the course of my ex-spouse's decision to leave our marriage. I continue to feel blindsided by the announcement that I am now on my own. I imagine I'll feel that way for many, many months. Years? My heart aches in the most painfully inconsistent way, leaving me feeling like I'm genuinely out of my mind sometimes. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep with my hand placed on the pillow next to me, one that was filled with the soft breathing my spouse would fall into while sleeping. Other nights, I'm furious with almost uncontrollable rage. I piled up every poster, print and photograph that reminds me of Us onto my spouse's desk, in anticipation of one day never having to remember my own thoughtfulness and the close to seven years I dedicated to someone who could decide to leave me in an almost instant.

They say that the grief of divorce is almost more painful than that of losing someone to death. I never quite understood that. I spent close to a decade mourning my grandfather, who was as close to my best friend for the first 13 years of my life as anyone else. But this pain is so uniquely different. When I was told that our marriage was over, I felt myself splinter and break like the fragilest of glass. Me! A person that people describe as a "fierce bitch" or "bad as hell" or someone who doesn't take crap from anyone, someone who tells it like it is. Someone capable. But as I sat, with my closest friends and brother by my side, I wept uncontrollably into my own hands for hours. Covering my face was the weirdest part for me, as it's not something I can ever remember doing. It's as though I was trying to hold myself in, literally. I couldn't sleep. I could barely eat. I certainly couldn't focus on anything for more than five minutes. I genuinely felt like I was reverting to the person I was long before I ever met my spouse; someone young and uninhibited, but also completely stupid and reckless. I was afraid that I would go back and lose myself again. So I grieve. I grieve for my marriage, for the loss of my best friend, the person I very carefully and deeply considered to be my soulmate. I also grieve for myself, because I'm so easily capable of getting lost, and I can't let that happen this time.

The past two and a half weeks have been filled with ups and downs. It's been complicated for me to dissect what that line is for people - the line at which they decide that something is fixable, or that it's just time to let it go. I still haven't figured that out, honestly, and that probably has more to do with being heartbroken than anything else. At times I have felt the most profound sense of relief, and others I have felt painfully alone. The first time I grocery shopped by and for myself, I came home and sobbed while putting things into the fridge and pantry. I have found that I cannot, for long periods of time, be alone with myself. So I've started listening to more music. I will start crafting again. I will get out of the house and explore the life I have now and the woman I decide to be from here on out. I'll stop telling myself that I'm too old to start over. I'll continue to conduct myself with honor and integrity, despite my anger and pain. Summer's on the horizon, thank goodness, and will keep me adequately distracted.

Moving on is going to be really complicated though, but a process I'm now forced to undertake. Once the dust settles - finances and living situation and all that - I will have time to sit with myself and clarify how I intend to move forward. I start therapy tomorrow. I have the Most Incredible Family and Friends in the Universe. I have people all over this great big world ready to take me in for respite or fun or whatever I need. And, I realized this morning that I have myself. While I'm quite battered and broken down at the moment, I am by nature an incredibly confident and brave person. I am also my own best friend in every sense. Losing faith in myself now is not an option.

cupcake wars, part deux

A little over a year ago, I entered a cupcake competition at my apartment complex with a mocha chip cupcake and a pumpkin cupcake with apple cider buttercream. I won 2nd place and while I knew my cupcakes were incredible, I was a little defeated. I'm not used to losing when it comes to baking! When they announced this year's competition, I signed up immediately and researched recipes for quite some time until settling on these two delectable treats. 

We were required to make cupcakes with at least two ingredients from a list of suggestions - salted caramel, mint, peach, vanilla, peanut butter, and champagne. It's pretty difficult skip vanilla in a cupcake recipe, so I figured this challenge was easy in that regard. Hunting down a mint chocolate recipe was pretty easy too, but the peach cupcake + buttercream planning was a hodge podge of ideas and last minute decisions I made in the kitchen. Here are the recipes!

Minted Love Cupcakes - dense, chocolaty and not too sweet!

adapted from Mel's Kitchen Cafe 

350 degrees | makes about 30 cupcakes 

Cupcakes

2 cups sugar 

1-3/4 cups all-purpose flour 

3/4 cup cocoa 

1-1/2 teaspoons baking powder 

1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda 

1 teaspoon salt 

2 eggs 

1 cup milk 

1/2 cup vegetable oil 

2 teaspoons vanilla extract 

1 cup boiling water 

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line muffin cups with paper baking cups. In a large bowl, stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; using a handheld electric mixer or an electric stand mixer, beat on medium speed for 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water. The batter will be quite thin. I suggest using a 1/3 cup measure to fill the muffin cups 2/3 full. Bake for 18-20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out with moist crumbs. Let the cupcakes cool completely on a wire rack, after removing them from the muffin tin.

Chocolate Mint Filling

1/2 cup chocolate chips 

3 tablespoons heavy cream 

1 teaspoon peppermint extract 

1/3 cup powdered sugar 

While the cupcakes bake, place the chocolate chips and heavy cream in a small microwave-safe bowl and heat for 1 minute at 50% power. Stir. Repeat the process until the mixture is smooth. Stir in the peppermint extract and powdered sugar, whisking until smooth. Let the mixture cool to room temperature, stirring occasionally to keep it fluid, and pour it into a squeeze bottle or piping bag with a small circular tip. When the cupcakes are cool, insert the tip of the squeeze bottle into the center of the cupcake and press gently to fill the middle of the cupcake with the mint ganache. 

Vanilla Mint Cream Cheese Frosting

1 cup (2 sticks, 16 tablespoons) butter, softened to room temperature 

8 ounces cream cheese, softened to room temperature 

32 ounces powdered sugar (about 7 cups) 

1/2 cup heavy cream 

1 teaspoons pure vanilla extract 

2 teaspoons mint (which is actually spearmint + peppermint!) extract 

Green food coloring 

In a large bowl, beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy - until just about doubled in volume. Add the powdered sugar and mix until smooth. Add the heavy cream and peppermint and vanilla extracts. Beat until light and fluffy. Add green food coloring until the color you like is achieved. Frost the cooled, filled cupcakes with frosting (using a large star tip) or simply spread the frosting in a large dollop with a butter knife or flat spatula.

Garnish Options

• melt chocolate chips in the microwave, use a squeeze bottle or piping bag to pipe out shapes onto a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper - in this case, hearts on sticks!
• garnish with mint Hershey Kisses or Andes mints
• make extra ganache and squeeze a zigzag over the top of the frosting after the ganache has cooled
• mini chocolate chips

Peach & Champagne Sparkler Cupcakes - bright, light, sweet and tart!

How do I describe champagne buttercream? It's tart and creamy, like Greek yogurt but sweet. I would not say that it's effervescent in the slightest, nor is it at all boozy, but it's tasty and the perfect complement to the cloyingly sweet peach nectar.

Cupcake

adapted from Iowa Girl Eats

350 degrees | makes about 20 cupcakes

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter, room temperature
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 cup half & half
1-1/2 cups + 2 Tablespoons flour, divided
1-3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 peaches** peeled, pitted & chopped

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line two muffin tins with cupcake wrappers.

In the bowl of an electric mixer, or with a hand mixer, cream butter and sugar together until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add eggs one at a time, beating until well combined before adding the next one. Add vanilla then beat to combine.

With the mixer on low speed, slowly pour in half & half then beat to combine. In a separate bowl, sift together 1-1/2 cups flour, baking powder, and salt. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients in three batches, mixing until just combined before adding the next batch.

Toss remaining 2 Tablespoons flour with the chopped peaches then fold into the batter by hand. Fill muffin tins 3/4 of the way full. Bake for 15-17 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Let cupcakes rest in the muffin tins for 5 minutes then remove to a wire rack to cool completely.

** Um, peaches aren't in season, so I went with the second best and used a can of peaches in juice. Down with syrup!

Frosting
You'll need to make two reductions - this involves simmering a cup of liquid on the stove for 5-7ish minutes (until it's reduced, basically) and then allowing it to cool. In the case of this recipe, I made one batch of champagne reduction and one batch of peach nectar reduction. Here are the bare-bones for a reduction-based frosting, though I went into this in more detail with my apple cider buttercream.

1/2 cup (1 stick) room-temperature butter
3 cups powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3-4 tablespoons reduction (champagne or peach nectar)

Make the frosting according to the apple cider buttercream instructions. Swirl the two frosting together onto the cupcakes using this method from Good Life Eats. Sprinkle with silver jimmies - or whatever you have on hand!

ETA: The voting's in and I won 2nd place. Again. 

I'll be back with a tutorial for my "sparkler" cupcake toppers soon!

on my honor, i will try

Today is the final day of secret talks for boardmembers of the Boy Scouts of America about a number of subjects, including lifting of the ban on gay scouts and leaders just seven months after the BSA decided to stick with the ban after a two year confidential investigation into the matter. The media is speculating, and with good reason, that the ban is being reexamined by BSA leadership because of a joint investigation published by the Huffington Post and the American Independent. In their research, HP/AI examined the human resources policies and policies specific to the philanthropic foundations that function as extensions of the companies that provide corporate support to BSA, and used these policies to publicly lambaste them for supporting an organization that does not toe the line in the same way that their companies do with regard to anti-discrimination.

This is an interesting way to confront corporations, especially because now more than ever Americans are prioritizing their political agendas when it comes to where they spend their money (please see: Chick-fil-a). To support an organization that does not permit an entire swath of the American citizenry to join their ranks is a sure-fire way to place your company's head on the guillotine of public opinion. And when companies stop financing your organization because your policies are in great conflict with the convictions of the majority of Americans, it's time to reexamine your priorities.

As I have shared before, I grew up scouting. I spent eight years of my childhood proudly earning the badges, learning the skills, and selling the cookies for the GSUSA. In fact, I even spent time as a Girl Scout under the leadership of a woman who is now the National Executive Director and Founder of the American Heritage Girls, a Christianity-based scouting organization that believes in reminding girls that their only "choices" in life are to be subservient to God and to marry a man. How I managed to escape her leadership unscathed, gay, and a proud defender of equality is truly a testament to the hypocritical vision for her organization. It was not in spite of scouting, but because of scouting, that I developed the confidence and the convictions that I continue to have to this day as a queer woman, and Garibay was an important part of laying that foundation. Her organization is now waiting breathlessly alongside millions of parents and kids for the final decision from this BSA's secret meeting. And when the decision is announced, AHG is reporting that they too will begin talks to determine whether their partnership with the BSA will continue, and in what capacity.

What the AHG, and thousands of scouting parents in general, are willing to do is quite simple: they are willing and eager to tell children across this country that if you are gay or trans*, you can't and don't belong. Local troops will be able to make the decision to continue to discriminate against gay leaders and scouts under one expected version of the revised policy, and others have promised that if the ban is lifted (despite the freedom for local troops to set their own agendas) they will disavow the BSA completely. What we can be sure of, if the ban on gay scouts and leaders is lifted, is that certain troops and AHG will likely dissolve their partnership with the BSA, and the children left in the fray will not only lose their ability to be part of a confidence-building and community-oriented extracurricular endeavor, but they will also like lose a tremendous amount of self worth. The reasons for this opposition to "homosexuality" in scouting (and in general) is varied, but generally rooted in a core belief that being gay is a sin, sinning is not only something for which you should atone but also something you must seek to stop at all costs, and more than anything (as I have discovered while trolling the AHG and BSA Facebook pages) that gay leaders are merely pedophiles looking for an easy fix, and that gay scouts are a distraction from and impediment to the core beliefs and goals of organizations like the BSA. If I never need to explain to an ignorant person why homosexuality and pedophilia are unrelated, it will be too soon.

You can also imagine how this public sharing and pearl-clutching manifests inside my brain...well, what's left of it, as it exploded and shot out of my ear holes the other night when I started reading comments on the AHG Facebook page. And you can also imagine how this information impacts children, the precise reason why these organizations exist in the first place - it alienates them and establishes a fundamental misunderstanding of who they are and what their sexuality truly means, how it manifests in their life, and all of the great things they continue to share with the world BECAUSE they are gay, not in spite of it. It demeans their character and their self-worth, and it degrades any hope they might have of involving themselves with peers toward a common goal; that goal being scouting, of course, not gay sex on the campsite.

So the Scouts—you know, there’s a scout law, right? A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. ... But the idea that somehow this should be a program where we want to say, "Well, these values are only applicable to some young men, to people who happen to be straight," that’s, frankly, antithetical to everything that scouting is about. And I think, actually, the United Church of Christ put it superbly well in their recent endorsement of ending the policy. They said that this ban is inconsistent with the values of dignity and respect that have always been the foundation of the scouting program.

Zach Wahls, in the video I linked above, is perhaps one of the best inadvertent spokespeople for the BSA, or scouting in general, through his organization Scouts for Equality. It is not just the fact that he was raised by lesbian mothers that has given him the confidence and character to articulate himself the way he does in interviews like the one at Democracy Now. His self-awareness and critical thinking skills are things that scouting encourages in all of their members, be they members of the GSUSA or BSA. President Obama has repeatedly endorsed ending the ban on gay scouts and leaders in the BSA, but my concern is that the same "fringe" communities and groups that are so opposed to Obama are the same communities and groups that support the ban, and the same communities and groups that are willing to prioritize convictions rooted in their Biblical/Christian fundamentalism over the health and well-being of this and all future generations of scouts...or more plainly, children. It's quite easy to step away from discussions like this one under the guise of "I don't have kids" or "scouting isn't a big deal" or "I just don't care" or "I don't do politics!", but the reality of life is that it is short lived, and by not fighting the people opposed to profound changes and justice for children (also known as: The Future of This Country), then we are tacitly endorsing the discrimination of all people. That is not the country you or I want to live in.

Contact the BSA today and tell them you support lifting the ban on gay leaders and scouts in ALL troops, and that by leaving the decision to individual troops, they are jeopardizing the quality of life for thousands of kids. And be sure to sign a petition at Scouts for Equality while you're at it!

cookie fest 2013

This weekend I set out to finally try out some cookie recipes I had bookmarked for over a month. Two wins and a loss...not too shabby. Check out the recipes and my thoughts below!

HOT COCOA COOKIES
These cookies are delicious! Not profoundly chocolaty, which is only slightly disappointing, because they still taste like good ol' Swiss Miss hot cocoa and they have a delectable chewy texture with crisp edges. I think we can all agree that a good ol' package of hot cocoa like that is very tasty now and then. And yes, foodie police, I do have a canister of dark chocolate hot cocoa mix imported for my particular use from Switzerland, THANKYOUVERYMUCH. I'm not a heathen. These cookies are a great alternative to the standard chocolate chip cookie, especially if you like mini things.

1 1/4c room temperature butter
1 cup sugar
2/3 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 1/4 cups flour
4 packages hot chocolate mix (not sugar free)
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup mini chocolate chips
1 cup Jet Puffed Mallow Bits or mini marshmallows

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. You can line your baking sheets with parchment paper if you like, but it's not required.

Cream together butter and both sugars until light and fluffy. Add in eggs and vanilla. Blend well.

In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, hot cocoa mix, salt, baking soda and baking powder.

Carefully blend dry ingredients into the wet ingredients, a little at a time. Try not to overmix!

Blend or fold in the mini chocolate chips and marshmallow bits. The dough will be on the drier side, which might make this final mixing stage a little difficult.

Drop on to your cookie sheets. I used a 2oz cookie scoop, but you could just measure out tablespoon-sized portions and roll them into balls by hand.

Bake for 9-11 minutes. Allow to cool for 3-5 minutes then remove from cookie sheet.

[Adapted from Baked Bree & Love From the Oven]

SPRINKLE COOKIES

Me: "So, they're like those sprinkle cookies you buy at the grocery store, but better. You know what I'm talking about?"
Mom: "No, I've never seen sprinkle cookies at the store before."

Me: "MOM, they're in the bakery area, with the sprinkles, and they're pillowy yet crumbly and buttery and cute and delicious, They're addictive and so bad that they're good. They're a classic Italian American cookie, as well. Especially if you watch Real Housewives of New Jersey. You bring them to Christmas and baby showers or they will cut a bitch. You know what I'm talking about, right?!!"

Mom: "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Me: *head explodes*

Despite my mother's inability to recall any baked good that didn't originate in her kitchen, these cookies are The Jam. They are so good, in fact, that when I gave them to my friend in a box last night at the sushi bar, she opened the box immediately, put a cookie on her plate, and then ate it with her Cab Sauv before our order arrived, much to the dismay of the lovely sushi lady. 

4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

3/4 teaspoon kosher salt

1 1/2 cups unsalted butter, at room temperature

1/2 cup canola oil

1 cup granulated sugar

1 cup confectioners’ sugar

2 large eggs

4 teaspoons vanilla extract

rainbow sprinkles, for decorating

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Line two baking sheets with parchment.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt.

In the bowl of an electric mixer, cream the butter on medium speed for about a minute. With the mixer on low, slowly pour in the oil, and then add the two sugars, the eggs, and the vanilla. Make sure to stir well after each of the additions. Slowly add the flour mixture, about a quarter at a time. Mix just until the flour disappears. The dough will be soft. Refrigerate for at least an hour (I say at least 3-4 hours) before proceeding (up to 3 days).

Using a 2-ounce ice cream scoop (or up to a 5 oz scoop), divide the dough into balls. Roll each ball in rainbow sprinkles until thoroughly coated.  Place them on baking sheets with enough room for them to spread (if you are making giant cookies you will probably only get 4 per sheet). Use your fingers to flatten each ball slightly.

Bake for 12-20 minutes, depending on the size. Bake until the edges start to turn golden. Cool on baking sheet for a few minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

[Adapted from Lottie & Doof]

PIGNOLI COOKIES
I've had fantasies of making these myself ever since I had the best one I've ever tasted from The Italian Store on Lee Highway in Arlington last April. They also happen to sell the best cannoli I've ever had, and I've had cannoli from Mike's in the North End, a'ight? The pignoli cookies from The Italian Store were so fluffy and tender and perfect. I was sure I could recreate them using a recipe from the internet.

False.

These cookies were INCREDIBLE within the first 20 minutes of coming out of the oven. Then, they turned into old taffy. I swear to you...I could've ripped out a crown with one of these. While the flavor is immaculate, the texture is that of nutty glue, possibly caused by not adding enough air to the egg whites before incorporating them into the paste/sugar slop. I've read that canned almond paste, rather than the tubed variety (which I used), is the way to go. I've also seen suggestions for different amounts of egg whites, using a food processor instead of a mixer, no flour or yes flour, pine nuts only on the top versus encapsulating the cookie, and so on. What I think has happened is regional adjustments of the recipe over time because, like Italians in Italy, the culture of the region dictates the ingredients and preferred end product. So we'll keep trying.

locket valentines for gal pals

While I can make no promises about this turning into a tradition of any sort, because I cannot commit to any blog topic or project if I actually make the proclamation to do so, welcome to the 2nd Annual Valentines for My Ladies project here at Oh Meaghan. This year I'm sending out little love notes to all of my gal pals with vintage brass lockets on skinny red leather, with a little bit of musical love tucked inside. Lipstick red and a nice brassy gold - HOW GLAM. These are more affordable than you might think, and not intimidating when it comes to the crafting. These are techniques that novices could easily replicate, basically. More than anything, though, I think it's important to desaturate the commercialism of this Hallmark holiday with a sincere expression of handmade love...and who is more deserving of our undying love and hand-crafted affection than our gal pals who hold us up and love us fiercely 24/7/365? That's what I thought! 

Here's how I put them all together:

FIRST - assemble your playlist. Each locket contains the abbreviated YouTube link** to a song, cheesy or sincere (or both), about friendship. Create a basic Word document in your favorite font (I chose American Typewriter) and space out your song links evenly. To jazz my locket enclosures up, I stamped the sheet of paper with the heart stamp I used on the front of the cards BEFORE I printed the links out. Once you've printed the links, cut them into strips! Here a playlist with some of my favorite Lady Friend Jams.

** if your friends are all hip smartphone users, Em suggested using a QR code instead of a link. That's why I married this guy, folks. Brilliant! You would need to skip the stamped hearts, however, as it could complicate the scanability of your QR code.

SECOND - Put your lockets together! This requires cutting a yard (36") of skinny red leather cording, securing a jump ring on to the top of the locket (here's a tutorial on how to open/close jump rings), lacing the locket onto the leather, and closing a folded song link strip inside of each locket. I wound up the cording loosely, electing to not add any sort of closure/finding to them. People can choose to wear them as a bracelet or necklace (this leather ties really easily and securely), and the cord is long enough to slip right over your gal pal's head if she so chooses. Wear it once, wear it a million times. It's up to the recipient, of course!

THIRD - Pack them up! I used small glassine bags because I love the vellum-esque effect. Then I folded them over and applied a strip of lipstick red washi tape with little tiny hearts. Use pinking shears to cut your tape for a finished look.

FOURTH - Stamp your cards, use a nice fine tip pen (these are my favorites!) to write your message on the front of the card and your note inside the card. Adhere your locket package to the inside of the card using scrapbooking tape or plain ol' double-sided tape. I'd recommend including a some kind of reference to what you think your lady pals should do with the lockets/how to use them in your handwritten love note. Some people will instantly understand, others will call you, panicked, "OMG [insert your name here], WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?!" Clear, simple instructions help everyone, is what I'm saying.

FIFTH - Address your envelopes - using a gold pen, of course - and seal them with a strip of the gold washi tape. If you're mailing your valetines, make sure the lockets travel through the mail safely by sending them out in bubble mailers, which probably cost a little over $1 per valentine. That said, these lockets have survived a few decades, so it's also entirely possible they'll be just fine sans bubble mailer, but I'd still throw on an extra stamp because they are thicker than the average card. I was raised by a woman who uses an entire roll of packing tape on every parcel she mails, no matter the size, so you can see why I'm naturally given to precaution.

SIXTH - Distribute your lovely Locket Valentines knowing that you shared some warm fuzzies with your best pals AND that you made them all by yourself. Nice work, kid!

SOURCES:

• 1-1.5mm red leather cording from The Leather Connection
• vintage brass lockets from Karmel Kisses
• brass jump rings from Bunny Sundries
• red hearts and gold washi tape & glassine bags from In the Clear
• kraft A2 folded cards, red A2 envelopes, heart stamp & stamp pad from Paper Source
• APPROXIMATE COST: $3-4 PER VALENTINE, depending on postage

NOTE: You will have lots of leftover supplies with this project, which is always handy and a good investment for your future crafty endeavors - a few cards and envelopes, jump rings, both washi tapes, glassine bags, a great heart stamp, and a stamp pad!

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All of my DIY projects come with the expectation that you will only use the ideas I've presented for your own personal projects. This project should not be reproduced without crediting me as the creator, and the products generated from this project should not be sold in any online or brick-and-mortar shops without my express permission. Thanks, folks! 

the hunt for homeostasis

1.24.12 A few weeks ago, I spent approximately 55 minutes untangling the most impossibly small chain from itself. In my mind, it was a combination of the sentimental connection to the necklace (it was my mom's) and thus wanting to rescue it, and also just a compulsion to untangle something that seemed completely impossible to unravel. My successful restoration of this necklace, which doesn't even fit me, left me feeling triumphant. But then I stood up, looked at the much larger tangled mess than is my craft room, walked out and shut the door. I didn't reopen it until last night.

I've been feeling a bit tangled lately inside my own head, my craft room simply being a manifestation of the delicate disaster that is the contents of my dome. It's not that I'm depressed, or tired, or even overworked. It's just that I kind of don't know what to do next. If writer's block is having a million thoughts and not knowing how to organize them into a series of words that make sense, then that's what I have. I also have crafter's block; same church, different pew as Em says.

1.28.12 Over the course of the weekend, I dismantled, sorted, piled up donations and trashed quite a bit to help morph my craft room into a space that resembles what I always intended for it. I cleaned off my desk, including a good ol' wipe down which left the rag coated in dried paint, dust, pieces of jumprings and chain that ricocheted all over the place, and glitter. Lots of glitter. I pulled out some old trifle containers I found a million years at the Christmas Tree Shop near Em's grammie's house, and made my workspace both functional AND cute, but mostly just...serene. I sorted through all of my projects - ancient unfinished and finished pieces (save for framing them and/or sending them off to their new homes) as well as all of the new ideas - and created a queue for completion. Having them in my field of vision will certainly help me plow through them. Tucked away in drawers and boxes, they are simply forgotten.

I also had some really great conversations with Angela and Em, and while I don't have the same clarity I wished for when I started this post a few days ago, I do at least feel better about things. I'm given to brief AND prolonged periods of stagnation, where I feel like there is just absolutely nothing I can do to blog/craft/work/love/bake/whatever better, thus leaving me to constantly ask myself the question "what's the point?" over and over again. Sigh. Rather than pushing through these insecurities and dropping the anchor of self-doubt I willingly carry around, I just sit. And mope. And sit. Here's to pushing forward and through.

our wedding : the flowers

My freshman year of college, I worked part time at a local flower shop in order to escape a horrible living situation in my dorm. I spent as much time as I possibly could in the shop, whether I was working or not. It was a safe haven for me, and in the process I learned some very basic things about flower arranging and flowers in general. One of the first decisions I made for our wedding was that I was doing the flowers.

I hoarded jars for over a year and created a plan for picking up the flowers on Thursday before our wedding, and arranging them on Friday. Again inspired by Zach and Clay's wedding, I planned to visit McCallum Sauber at the Washington Flower Center for some wholesale deals, but I also had a back up plan should the whole "purchasing flowers wholesale sans business tax ID" thing didn't work. We woke up impossibly early and drove downtown with a few buckets and a lot of nervous energy. When we walked into McCallum Sauber, it was bustling and full of people actually part of the floral industry, making deals and grabbing things left and right around us. I stood there uninspired by their selection and completely overwhelmed at the idea that I would need to make my purchase there. 

After about five minutes of pacing around the warehouse, we left and decided to go with our Plan B, a wholesale-to-the-public arm of Conklyn's in Alexandria. When we walked into the warehouse, around 6:00am, it was eerily quiet but the cooler was open. I shouted HELLO!? and an energetic man bounded down the stairs, told us everything about Conklyn's, gave us a quick tour of the cooler, and let us shop at our own pace. While their selection didn't have a expansive array of interesting and rare flowers, they had absolutely every staple one would need to create interesting floral arrangements. The quality was impeccable, the cooler pristine. We settled on a combination of seasonal blooms and flowers that suited our color palette (which I will go into in a separate post, because it was a PROCESS). 

We picked up orange waxflower (which usually only comes in a rosy pink shade), purple statice, delphinium, celosia, dahlias, larkspur, baby's breath, goldenrod, ranunculus, Italian ruscus. Lots of filler flowers helped push our budget further, but we chose fillers that were unique and of beautiful quality. With help from Katherine and Em's Aunt Lynn, we sat focused in the laundry room on Friday morning and put together a wide variety of arrangements, from the giant arrangements we put in barrel jars to the impossibly small arrangements that went into miniature jelly jars my boss hoarded for me at ALA. The arrangements were not perfect, but they were interesting, cute and made entirely with love...JUST what I wanted. I laid out all of the jars into groups that determined their final destination - coffee tables, bistro tables, countertops, etc. I finished off the arrangements with little banners on sticks that I made at the last minute; I used exclamations of joy, specifically OMG which is also representative of the initials in both of our last names. I also made some faux craspedia out of orange and yellow felt balls and floral wire.

I made the executive decision very early on to not worry about boutonnieres, corsages or bouquets. They didn't fit the mood of the event, and I didn't want to worry about them in any way...and in the end, I didn't miss them at all, either. Walking around before the wedding, I was filled with such joy at the way they all turned out.

VENDOR: Conklyn's Wholesale to the Public / 4406 Wheeler Ave. / Alexandria, VA 22304 / (703) 370-1092

our wedding : the food

The most discussed aspect of our wedding was the food. Hands down. We started quite early in our quest to find a caterer, mostly because living in the Washington DC metro area means you must contend with big events AND weddings, and because I had my eye on a specific guy whose work I read about on A Bitten Word a few years ago. We decided that we'd approach the hunt for the right caterer as all people should - research, interview, sample, rate, decide. We didn't want to limit ourselves to solely focusing on our dream caterer because, well, what if it didn't work out? We also wanted a caterer who would be willing to work in an unconventional wedding space, and someone who was particularly skilled at small bites/appetizers, as we were jumping on that fadwagon with our celebration.

The first caterer I contacted was a dud. I said to him, "our tastes lean toward more southern and Italian cuisine" to which he responded, "so like pasta and fried stuff?" My head exploded, and left me immediately feeling defeated. I decided that it was appropriate, at that point, to contact our caterer of choice and see how that conversation went. He got it right the minute the question escaped my mouth. Oliver Friendly of Eat & Smile Catering was bright and energetic, clear and organized in his monologue about his company, and filled me with such hope about our plans. We went to a tasting at his house, which was coincidentally a block away from our old apartment, and we were served the most incredible, fresh, local, sustainable and hearty morsels of food we've ever had. His enthusiasm for great food was inspiring, and we left his house knowing he was the one.

The next 18 months involved a lot of e-mailing, a walk through of our venue to make sure we were on the right track as far as layout, appliances, tables/chairs, and so on. He really helped us navigate the unconventional wedding space...Em's dad's house...and was excited to cook in the kitchen, which was spacious, well-equipped, and perfect for the day. He, and his partner/wife Alex (an incredible photographer), also helped us refine our menu, clarify our choices, and the sequence of events that we wanted to have for the evening. They were warm and understanding in situations where I feared other caterers might be cold and detached. It was a refreshing experience overall.

Our menu was INCREDIBLE and suited us both to a T:

• Caprese with Thai Basil and Aged Balsamic
• Beef Empanadas with Sage and Queso Fresco
• Vegetarian Wontons with Sweet Chili Sauce
• BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches with Homemade Bread and Butter Pickles
• Codcakes with Tartar Sauce 
• Homemade Kielbasa with House Made Grain Mustard and Corn Hash
• Jalapeno Poppers with Goat Cheese Stuffing and ‘Ranch’ Dipping Sauce
• Beet and Goat Cheese Crostini with Chive
• Roasted Cauliflower Mash with Local Prosciutto and Roasted Garlic
• Sliders with Local Cheddar, Spicy Ketchup
• Romaine Thai Pulled Chicken in Butterbib Lettuce Leaf
• Fried Mac N Cheese with Spicy Ketchup

We also served a signature cocktail in mason jar mugs - Cider Black & Tan - which was a mixture of local apple cider and ginger beer, topped off with Knob Creek if desired. It was delicious and extremely well-loved!

The dedication to impeccable tasting and perfectly composed food is what led us to Eat & Smile, and we hoped that our friends and family would appreciate our decision to go with them. The staff that Oliver brought along with him was friendly, focused, and immediately welcomed into the fold of our big day (especially Michael!)...even my brother, who has cater-waitered at some of NYC's finest events and is a bit of a boss about things, loved the team from E&S. Guests would chase down the servers or wait, salivating, along the kitchen counter for the next thing or a favorite they developed. Our "friendtographer" Pang's boyfriend stood guard at the entrance to the kitchen to make sure he got a codcake every time a fresh batch left the kitchen. We were worried that people might not get enough to eat with the small bites, but everyone left feeling impossibly and delightfully full.

Despite the small bites model being a bit of a fad, I think it works perfectly for an out-of-the-ordinary kind of wedding. People have more flexibility with how much, when and what they get to eat, and you are able to choose from a wide variety of cuisines rather than sticking to one or two. They accommodate people with special dietary restrictions more than a set menu as well. The constant rotation of food coupled with beer and wine kept people light, happy and mingling. It was a wedding reception, but it was also a casual family party. Our wedding felt exactly as I wanted it to feel - relaxed, more than anything - and 95% of that success is due to the team from Eat & Smile Catering.

VENDOR: Eat & Smile Catering / 202-270-1018 / inquiry@eatandsmilefoods.com